work both ways

So, there are posts and then there are real posts. Real posts about real life and its pains. I would start at the beginning, but the good news seems to get people excited which I simply cannot bear so I will start in the middle and works both ways.

I had a miscarriage and found out about it on February 14 which seemed such a shitty way to celebrate the love holiday. Now, back to the beginning. I found out I was pregnant on the Snowmass ski trip. I was sitting in the hot tub and noticed the sign that said that pregnant women should not use the hot tub and I got all nervous and finally couldn't ignore the signs that I'd been trying to rationalize away for over a week. I took a test that evening and was delighted, albeit stunned, to find two pink lines. The morning nausea, the distain for the trinity of all things holy to me which are gum, diet coke, and dessert in just that order of importance, the constant frigidness of my body temperature, and the exhaustion plainly made perfect sense within the time it took the urine to run up the pee stick.

Suddenly, I could forgive myself to struggling down the ski slope in the mornings and could give myself a blessed day off in the middle of the week. Suddenly, I was taking it a bit slower on the runs and trying not to fall. Suddenly, I just didn't want to go to the hot tub which got strange looks from Ryan since I'm always up for anything. Suddenly, it made sense that I gave up all caffeine without blinking an eye when before it was sheer pain to give up a can of diet coke. Suddenly, I had a delicious secret, so precious and terrifying that I could hardly keep my thoughts in order.

I had my first doctor's appointment on Tuesday and geared up for the ultrasound on Thursday. I laid back on the table ready to see the little grain of rice swim around on the screen and beat its little heart for me to hear. But, there was nothing. No heartbeat, no swimming. Just death. I waited a week before going back to the doctor who was able to confirm that my beta levels were indeed going down and it was a miscarriage.

It was surprising to me to find out how devastating the miscarriage felt and feels. I had only known for sure that I was pregnant for one week but I was more attached than I had ever thought possible. I wanted my secret, I wanted the child, I wanted this new chapter with Jared. Our lives are not settled and ready for a baby at this moment, but it will never be the perfect time.

Thank goodness for a calm, steady husband who road out the hard waters with me with kindness and compassion and sadness of his own. Thank goodness for a wise older brother who could help me interpret the information from the doctors and give good input. Thank goodness for a new job that allows for early afternoon appointments without repercussions as I have had to leave numerous times for blood work and visits with the doctor. There was and is much to be grateful for in the midst of the sadness.

I have new compassion for people who lose children in that I cannot imagine how they cope and put one foot in front of the other. I knew motherhood for one week and was devastated when the life was snuffed out. Thankful I can get pregnant, but angry that I puked on Thursday morning at work and then found no heartbeat that very afternoon. Angry that other people are pregnant with multiple children and still I wait.

I am thankful to not feel so tired any more. That was probably the worst of it for me. I was okay with being tired while growing a baby, but not okay with being tired while having a miscarriage and then recovery. I am a high energy person and I could hardly make it around the block with Scout or watch TV in the evening with Jared. I just wanted to sleep because of the exhaustion in my body. I made it four miles today with Scout which was a true triumph and Scout was very grateful as she has felt fine and couldn't figure out why I was being weird (just like Ryan).

It's one of the strange grief processes. With Dad, everyone knew that he died so I could mention it, but this isn't something I wanted to tell everyone and often didn't have a good answer for the questions. So now, I wait and let my body recover and then try again for a child. The excitement is that I got pregnant and the fear is that I will miscarry again. I would hate to face the trauma again, but I will take that chance.