Quiet

There are (at least) two things that drive me crazy about myself.

One, I expect myself to know how to do everything perfectly the first time. This is obviously impossible and makes a new job even more difficult emotionally.

Two, I like to make everyone happy and it's painful and scary when someone around me is upset. This one is also obviously impossible and yet something I strive for. I'm a social worker, for goodness sakes, and I have to confront people on some things and set difficult boundaries and call the Department of Children's Services to make reports on families. Not exactly the woman wandering around the halls of the NICU handing out Easter cupcakes. However, I have learned that even a job like that would end up with a grumpy person who wants pink icing instead of yellow or a mother who is diabetic and angry that someone somewhere didn't think ahead to her exact situation.

I've stated "obviously" twice in this post so far, so let's go for a third. It's obviously difficult to be at peace with these kinds of expectations on myself. They're nothing new. I have some ideas of where they came from and when they got implanted in my brain, but it's the getting them out that's difficult. Self-talk is helpful and forgiveness is key.

I've just finished reading an amazing book called Quiet: The Power of Introverts in a World That Can't Stop Talking by Susan Cain. She talks about how America has moved from a culture of character to a culture of personality. I have some introvert and extrovert in me, but I'd say I lean a bit towards introversion. I love the spotlight when I can be someone else such as a singer, an actress, a dancer, a bride. However, I've always needed alone time to recharge each day, I've always preferred in-depth conversation with one person to idle chatter with a group, I always studied along, and I despised group projects. I get nervous when called on to speak and haven't had a chance to really plan out my comments and make sure that my words will have meaning.

My father had over 800 people at his funeral and he was a quiet man. He was known for creating peace in the workplace, being an expert in his craft, loving his family, and being a voracious reader. He helped build the Middle Tennessee School of Anesthesia with his calm demeanor and demonstration of excellence. He taught by example instead of speeches. I have always respected my family. He was not what the world teaches young people to be which is loud, aggressive, quick talking and thinking on your feet.

One of my coworkers and I started in the NICU on the same day which was unfortunate for me because it felt like competition instead of team building. She is much more loudly verbal than I am and will speak confidently about things, making one believe that she knows what she's talking about. However, I have found out on a few occasions that she didn't actually know and was even totally wrong; she was just persuasive because of her extroverted nature. I have had to take some deep breathes and remember to honor my own person, be like my Dad, and know that my personality has depth and meaning and importance even though it's different than what America values currently. It's been such a validating read for me and puts the things that I struggle with in their place as part of my personality. If I were still doing couples and family therapy I would pay more attention to the introversion/extroversion nature of the individuals. Opposites usually attract and this knowledge would probably help many couples with differing needs and personalities understand each other better.