all bitched up

I feel like life is putting me through the ringer lately! I had a fight with my parents over Jared's appearance in the photos. I thought he looked great and very Jared-like. It was painful to fight with my parents. That's just something we don't do. It led to a discussion between my father and me on Saturday in which he cried. He is hurting so badly emotionally and that hurts me in the pit of my stomach. My father is 69 and has been sick for 19 years. He's trying to figure out what to do with the rest of his life as his career is coming to an end. Dad's sickness has always been the focus, but I have to remember that it's also been hard on Mom. She has walked with him through this as well. Maybe the fight was a good thing in a way. It let me know some of what's going on in my parents' home. The emotions, the pain, the uncertainty of life in the near 70's. It gives me an opportunity to act with purpose...to call more, to write more.

I felt that way on Saturday around Connor as well. I would never have asked for his sickness and pain. But, it did open my eyes and allow me to act with purpose. Connor really didn't know me before his surgery. Well, he knows me now. Jared and I played with him yesterday and he had a ball. I love the toddler laugh. It's pure and unscripted and real. Connor doesn't laugh unless he really thinks something is funny.

Life is kind of a bitch like that. Lessons come the hard way. Maybe it's just me, but I doubt it. I learn from so-called mistakes. One of my patient's father (he's in recovery) says that he goes to meetings when he gets "all bitched up." That's kind of how I feel lately. All bitched up by life and the complications of humanity. Perhaps that the best time though, the time when I'm all bitched up.