streaming

My sponsor often encourages me to just write. Put pen to paper and write, don't think. So, here goes.

I don't really know what to write this evening. It is 9:48 pm and I am dreading the return to work tomorrow. Absolutely dreading it. I love being a social worker, but there are days and weeks that absolutely drain me. Last week was one of those weeks. The work seemed never-ending. The crises just kept coming. The patients flowed steadily in the door. I did way more case management and way less therapy than I really wanted to do. I finally walked out the door at 5:15 on Friday evening when I could do no more. I simply had nothing left. I had such dark circles under my eyes that I got asked by a co-worker if I had a black eye. This weekend was hard in some ways too. My parents came to town and although I was glad to see them, I was just so tired. I had a little come apart last night after my parents went to sleep. Thankfully, Jared is not afraid of tears and listened calmly through the streaming confusion of words that I utter when upset. It always makes me feel better though. I don't know. Sometimes I just don't know how to be a social worker during the day and then have much left for the rest of my wonderfully full life in the evenings. I've found that walking/running after work is helpful. It seems that going to gym is almost too much for me after work. All the people and the florescent lights and tv's and music. I like the fresh air and the sunshine and the feeling that the world is still turning in spite of pain and suffering. That hope and faith really does prevail. That some patients do get better. I'm surprised to find that it's fall. I remember when school divided up seasons so cleanly and absolutely. It's as if I'm still waiting around for summer break. I remember walking into Target and seeing all the school supplies about a month ago. I thought, "Oh wow, who's going back to school!? Everyone, I guess." I miss school sometimes. I miss learning, really. I find that it's hard to kept learning new techniques and skills while I'm working. I just run out of time. There are books I want to read and workshops I'd like to take, but time and money can be limiting. I also miss getting a grade. I loved the completion of the test and the semester. The promise of a break. The star on top of the page. I've found that I love doing my dishes and I think it's because of those things. It's one small thing in my life that is totally completed and totally an A+. I looked over 401K options with my Dad today. I am definitely a grown-up now. If there was any question, it is now answered. Once you are actively saving for retirement, you are a certifiable grown-up. I even have the certificate to prove it. Hot damn. It's raining outside. I love the sound of the rain. It is soothing. I am thankful tonight to have a warm, dry place to sleep. I am thankful for good co-workers. I am thankful for flowers next to my bed. Jared and I watched 'The Painted Veil' this evening. I was thinking that it was "The Heart of Darkness" and promised Jared that he would really like the animal movie. I finally had to admit about 45 min into the movie, that animals were not going to start attacking the two main characters and that we were fully engaged in a love story. Oops.