all in one

Jared recently reintroduced me to "The Maker" by Dave Matthews and Tim Reynolds. It is haunting and wonderful. I love it. Check it out.

I am now 27. I can hardly believe it. Life is moving faster as I get older. I remember when a summer day used to last for years. Now, the days fly by and I sometimes don't even notice. That was one thing I liked about the fishing trip. I had to constantly be aware of my surroundings. I was aware of the position of the sun in the sky as that affected my shadow on the water. I was aware of the depth of the water as that affected where the fish would be hiding. I was aware of my father and his position, his attitude, and his health because I had the time and energy to notice. I was aware of the insects skimming over the water as that affected the fly I needed to put on my line. I was aware of my hunger. I was very aware of my fears. On the second day of fishing my brother showed up and I immediately felt anxious. But, silly, I told myself, you adore your brother and he loves you. Don't feel anxious. Yet, the anxiety continued and I cannot simply tell my feelings to go away. I've tried that for years with zero to negative zero success. So, I paused and realized that I felt anxious because Warren is a better, more experienced fisherman than me and I didn't want to lose. I didn't want to feel less than. I didn't want to catch fewer or smaller fish. After this realization, I had to do some self talk. I reminded myself that I am not in competition with my brother. That my worth is not measured by the number of fish that I do or do not catch. My worth is secure. I am loved by the Creator and loved by my family. I have nothing, absolutely nothing to prove. I could feel the anxiety drift away. Amazing. I am learning to feel, think about the feelings, decide if the fears are reasonable and rational, and then work towards the solution. (Years of work and self-awareness to get to this point and I want my patients to accomplish this in 2 weeks.)

The other thing I am learning to do is live in the solution. My mother upset me a couple of times over the course of the trip. I wanted to throw a little fit and then run around talking bad about her and eat something. But, all that does is increase the feelings of anger and hurt and get other people around up in a tizzy. So, I decided to look at my other "healthier" options. I could pray for her. I could take a break and go walk. I could journal. Three excellent options. So, I journaled. I journaled about being angry that I'm getting healthy and I want the people around me to get healthy too. Actually, if they could get healthy for me, that would be even better. But, the thing is, I can't live with anger and resentment. It doesn't hurt my mother. It hurts me. It makes me want to eat. It makes me want to wallow and swim around in that murky pool of misery. Sometimes, I like that little baby pool of junk, but I'm trying to avoid even sticking in my baby toe.

My dear friend, Michelle, just sent me 'As a Man Thinketh' by James Allen. Incredible little book. So much wisdom. It's all about how the mind controls everything. We become what we think. I'm amazed at how similar various teaching are. I have read a good portions of the Bible, the Big Book, The Art of Happiness, and now this book. And, they all talk about the need for a moral compass, the need to remove character defects and grow the character assets, the need to be the change you want to see around you, the promise of good things following good thoughts, motives, and actions, the need for spirituality and the belief in a Higher Power.

Allen writes, "Law, not confusion, is the dominating principle in the universe; justice, not injustice, is the soul and substance of life; and righteousness, not corruption, is the molding and moving force in the spiritual government of the world. This being so, man has but to right himself to find that the universe is right; and during the process of putting himself right he will that as he alters his thoughts towards things and other people, things and other people will alter towards him."