up a creek without a paddle

"Pray to God and keep paddling to shore."
That is one of my favorite quotes. That for me encompasses the way I live my life. I accept the fact that God is not going to do for me what I can do for myself. Last night I got really triggered. I mean, I wanted to eat ice cream like my life depended on it. Except for the simple fact that my life doesn't depend on it. In fact, eating ice cream makes me kinda crazy. I don't get satisfied, I want more. Always more. Last night, eating ice cream meant insanity for me. Luckily, I've gotten much better at figuring out why, at 10pm after a seemingly good day, I suddenly want ice cream.
Perhaps it is the fact that I'm in the middle of a fear inventory and I feel like I'm swimming in a sea of fear and the realization of how much fear runs my life. Perhaps it is the fact that we are talking about major job changes for my team and me. Umm, does change trigger anxiety in anyone else even when the change has the potential of being really good? Perhaps it was the fact that at 10pm on any given Friday night I am exhausted. I like to live life to the fullest and that usually catches up with me each Friday night. Perhaps it was the fact that I went to Art on the Rocks last night at the Birmingham Museum of Art and I hate things like that. I hate large events of young professionals. The music was good, but otherwise I'll pass. On a normal day, I accept who I am and what I look like. I actually like how I look now. My body has settled into itself. It has remained the same weight (give or take a couple of pounds) for several months now. My clothes fit each morning and that is all that I care about. I've learned to accentuate the features that I like and be grateful for the way my body moves and works without me even bothering to say 'please' or 'thank you.' But, I show up at an event like that and immediately become aware of the way that I look, what I'm wearing, who I'm talking to, am I laughing too much (yes) or too loud (yes), etc. And I don't like doing that. It's like this immediate transport back to junior high and I would pay money to have skipped those years. I'm determined to somehow save my children from that time in life.
So, at 10pm I suddenly wanted ice cream. Thankfully, I know now that there isn't one single situation in my life that can't be made worse by a binge. I don't always succeed at avoiding unhealthy behaviors, but last night was a win. I didn't eat. I went to bed. Today, I thank God for helping me get past the kitchen and under the covers. Today, I feel more sane. I'm in shorts and t-shirt. Laundry is being washed. Lunch has been eaten. The floors are clean. I have talked with a friend. I don't have to go back to Art on the Rocks ever. "Pray to God and keep paddling to shore."