snakes, roaches, spiders

I started working on my fear inventory today. It's part of my fourth step. Before starting this program, I had no idea how much fear I had/have in my life. Fear motivates much of what I do or don't do. My sponsor encouraged me to just write down my fears quickly, as they came to mind. I tried the exercise today and found that I filled an entire page with fears. And not the 'I'm afraid of spiders and heights' fears, but fears of failure and inadequacy. Fear of losing my job. Fear of not having enough money to survive. Fear of struggling with food issues forever. Fear after fear.
The one fear I keep coming back to is fear of inadequacy. It's all over my fourth step. This fear has haunted my life for years. I remember, as a little girl, telling my mother that I wished I could be as smart and fun as my brothers. Even now, I compare and wonder if I will ever be fluent in Spanish, if I will ever be sufficient as a therapist. If I will be enough as a girlfriend and wife and mother. (Side note: I am not writing this so that my readers will send me reassuring comments about how wonderful I am. I am trying to come face-to-face with fear, look it in the eye, understand it, and dismiss it by the grace of God.)
Logically, it's strange for me to encompass the fear of inadequacy. I always excelled in school, I have several wonderful friends who keep hanging out with me, my nephews adore me, I have a great job, I make plenty of money. There is often nothing logical about fear. It just hangs out and bugs me.
Again, this program is reminding me of the faithfulness of God. My former sponsor moved about one month ago. I was devastated and angry when she left. How could God take my sponsor away? I begrudgingly got a new sponsor and threw a couple of temper tantrums when she did things differently. However, I keep calling her and come to discover, she is a great sponsor. She requires that I send meal plans to her and she gently told me to get off my duff and work the fourth step and get it over with. What was that great saying..."The only thing we have to fear is fear itself."