one day at a time

"He who would accomplish little must sacrifice little; he who would achieve much must sacrifice much; he who would attain highly must sacrifice greatly."
James Allen

"The only thing that ever really gives us any genuine satisfaction is caring for other people. It doesn't matter how popular we are or anything. The only thing that actually makes life more fulfilling is our love for others. When I help you, I'm really helping myself-saying yes to humanity and to the connection that exists among all people. And the results speak for themselves...That is the crux of the whole 12-step program. We are two people helping each other through life. the satisfaction of being there for someone else is unparalleled. This has been a fucked-up way to learn that lesson, but in my mind, it's been worth it. And you also get to see now, without a doubt, that the more you give to others the more gifts you receive. That is a universal truth. It will never fail you."
Nic Sheff

I've been asked several times recently why I work at Bradford, why I became a social worker. I guess it all goes back to being sick. I remember feeling a shift in myself and in my healing process once I started volunteering at First Light women's shelter during college. Finally, my focus was shifted away from myself and my own pain to someone else and her pain. I was aware of not being alone in my suffering, of not being alone in the world, of not being alone in needing help. It gave me strength and joy and purpose. It wasn't just about me and my anorexia anymore and it had been for a long time. It needed to be for awhile so that I could deal with everything and not die. But eventually, it was time to care for someone else. I wasn't my father, I wasn't my mother, and I wasn't my brothers. I was me and I was needed.

I remember standing in my apartment one day and suddenly realizing that I needed to be a therapist. That was it. I set about figuring out how to become a therapist. I ended up choosing social work because I could do a myriad of things with the degree, all based on helping others. 85% of the time, I really enjoy my job. I love helping people. I love hearing their stories. I love validating their emotions and their pain. I love being reminded, just as I was years ago, that I am not alone in my suffering, that I am not alone in the world, and that I am not alone in needing help.

Being sick and being in recovery is one of the best things that ever happened in my life. I would not choose to repeat the pain and I would not choose for someone else to experience the pain of anorexia, bulimia, and compulsive overeating/exercising. But, I wouldn't give up my experience. Oh yes, there are plenty of days that I long for the freedom of "normal" eating. I wallow in some self-pity and wish that I didn't have to go to meetings, call a sponsor, do inventories, etc. But, then again, maybe I'm one of the lucky ones. All the emotion and pain and resentment would be there anyway. I'm just lucky enough to have a safe place and safe people to discuss everything with. My meetings and my sponsor and the safest havens I know. We walk into those rooms knowing that we come there broken and hurting and human. There is no pasting on a fake smile for those around me. I'm there because I need help and support. There is something so refreshing about that. In fact, I wish churches could embody more of that.

I didn't have birthday cake on my 27th birthday. I didn't have to. I was grateful for the ability to eat a normal meal and then enjoy my family. About eight months ago, I frantically asked my sponsor what I was going to do about cake on my birthday. We were discussing the need for me to give up sugar. Gasp! She calmly asked the date of my birthday. July 21, about 8 months away. She reminded me to take things one day at a time and worry about my birthday when it got closer. Now, I've had plenty of sugar slips along the OA journey, but my birthday was not one of them. Today is today. And I am thankful for this day.