because I'm old

I walked with a friend today at Radnor Lake and the conversation turned to

 "What is your family's thing?"

My family's thing is that we are not good about letting others see the real us, the us with struggles, and pains, and imperfections, and strife. We're not even good at letting ourselves see or acknowledge those things. We tuck those skeletons way back in the closet under the piles of VHS Disney tapes. I don't think that the world needs or even wants to know all the dirty realities of a family's humanity, but I do think it's important to be as authentic as possible with those who care and can support through the painful times. 

My family's other thing is that we can be a ton of fun. We like to work hard and play hard. I give you exhibit A: 

This is William and me at the Spaghetti Factory on Sunday evening after graduation. Dinner was slow in coming, but we were not short on activities.

I give you exhibit B:

This is Mackenzie, Paisley, me, Michael, Blake, William, Ryan, Mike, and Hayden 

on top of a sign at the park after finishing lunch on Saturday afternoon. We sang Happy Birthday to Uncle David from here. 

Then, some of the younger people took turns jumping off of of the sign. I climbed back down and my response to the disappointed kids was "Because I'm old." 

I think I sucked in my breath the moment the words left my lips. I've heard older-than-me-people use this excuse in the past when I couldn't understand why they wouldn't ski down the double black diamond run with me or go dancing downtown at midnight. Suddenly, I sort of understood. There's no simple way to explain that I don't want to jump because it isn't worth it. I'm thirty and I might fall or the impact might bother the already-been-broken-once-ankle creating a bother of pain when I need walk around the hospital or exercise my dog.

I think it's simply impossible to understand what it's going to be like at an older stage of life. I thought my thirties would be more settled than my twenties. It ends up that each stage and chapter bring their settles and their own unsettles. It's not better or worse necessarily, just different. I promised myself that I would accept my body as it changed with age. Oh, but that stretch mark on my inner thigh bugged me a bit today. I promised myself that I wouldn't be judgmental, but the shorty shorts on the girls walking around the CMA events as I drive towards downtown are just a bit much. "Leave something to the imagination, darling girls! You have no idea what you're doing!" says my head. Where have I heard this before?! From older people that's who. My father certainly understood life backwards. I can't think of a single piece of advice he gave me that ran amuck if I followed it. 

We all have our things, the good and the bad. We live in the now with wisdom from the past and hope for the future.