All about grieving

I feel weighted down with grief today. I spoke with a woman named Nancy yesterday. She is a volunteer firefighter and was the third person to my father's side at the accident. She attended the memorial service on Saturday and I wondered who she was. She was in uniform and it wouldn't have surprised me if she was a security guard at one of Dad's hospitals. Dad liked everybody, knew everybody, joked with everybody. Nancy was able to tell me the units/fire departments/police officers who helped on Monday and the brief conversation she had with my father. I am grateful for her presence on Monday and jealous that it wasn't me. Jealous that I wasn't the one who got to hear his voice one last time or feel his hand grip mine. My emotions swirl vacillate quickly these days. I soar between gratitude and jealousy, gratitude and anger, joy and despair. I have thought about calling Dad's phone just to see if he'll answer. I haven't because the phone is at my mother's and I don't want to freak her out. And, more honestly, because I know he won't answer so why break my own heart?

I was going over a family of origin assignment with a patient today and I almost just told him to stop talking. It hurt to talk about fathers and parents in the plural sense. I want to scream at times because I listen to patients describe pitiful fathers who are walking around with breath in their lungs and wonder why my amazing father had to go. Why not take a lousy one, God? Why not?!?

I wish that Dad could have met my children. I wish that he could have visited the house that Jared and I want to build on the farm. I wish he could have celebrated my 30th birthday with me. I wish that I could have celebrated his 70th birthday with him. There are so many things I wish for. Brad told me at the hospital that he wished I could have had another 10 years with Dad like he did. I wish for that too all the while knowing that I would always wish for another event or decade or day. When you get a good father, you want more, not less. I am thankful that Dad left after getting to see me with a good life. I'm married to a good man. I have a home and a puppy. I have an education and a career. I am self-supporting. I am healthy. I hope he rests peacefully knowing that all of these things are true.

I've learned a lot through this process about what is helpful to the grieving family. Because I don't want to forget and because I want this knowledge to help others, I'm going to list what was given that was so helpful and also, gifts that would have been helpful.

Helpful gifts:
Quarters at the hospital. A family friend brought us a bag full of $20 worth of quarters. We enjoyed many a good soft drink and also had money in case we needed to get out of the parking deck.

Toilet paper/kleenex/paper towels. I never would have thought of this, but who doesn't need extra when the house is overflowing with people.

Ice. A neighbor brought over a cooler of ice. Yes, yes, yes.

Water bottles. We went through so much water. I appreciated the eye towards health on this one.

Trash cans. A neighbor loaned us two trash cans. We were overflowing with trash.

Sitters. Neighbors and friends arranged people to stay at the house when we were at the burial, visitation, and memorial service. Excellent thinking people as that's when homes get broken into.

Lawn service. Another neighbor got her lawn service to mow our grass.

Bedrooms: A neighbor as well as a family friend allowed people to stay in their homes and save money on hotel rooms.

Airport pick up and delivery: Neighbors and friends provided this service which was invaluable to the family.

What would have been helpful:
Refrigerator/refrigerator space. Warren and Jared went on Craig's list and bought a fridge to put in the garage and resell when everything is over. We needed space for food.

Someone to pick up all of the tupperware, coolers, pans, dishes, etc and get them back to their rightful owners. This is a chore.

Soda. I know I gave a nod towards health with the water earlier, but we needed caffeine and calories.

Advil. Thankfully, we had a bottle in a purse, but we needed headache medicine during those hospital days.

Stamps, boxes of thank you cards, and good pens.

Overall, our friends and family were so very thoughtful and provided amazing love and acts of service. I hope to be as thoughtful as they were.