maybe grape...or cherry

I have not written in so long. Haven't been in the mood for writing lately. But, here I am. I'm on the couch with my new wireless internet (thank you Felipe for setting that up!). I feel very tired this week. I had Monday off which was wonderful, but always makes the rest of the week a little bit hectic. And I got really mad at two of my patients today. I mean, ticked off. I actually threw the 3 hole punch in my office and thought about crying. I didn't and it seems that things will work out okay. But, I've actually thought about work two nights in a row now. I usually do a good job of leaving work at work, but I've been very bothered lately. I'm praying for wisdom and patience and guidance. I feel like I should be more confident. I was trained for years to do this work. I have the piece of paper saying I'm qualified. But there are days I just wonder if I'm screwing everything up which would totally suck since I want so badly to be helpful.

Thankfully, Matthew and I are going to chop down a tree tomorrow morning. Matthew and Kendra bought me an ax for Christmas and I think tree chopping is definitely in order for tomorrow. I will also be toting along my flask filled with kool-aid should I become parched.

Ryan (Utah nephew) and I got to talk over Skype two nights ago. It was so much fun. I've always known that my eyes are big, but man, the computer screen makes my eyes look even bigger. It's like a fishbowl effect. Anyway, Ryan blew me a kiss and I caught it and put it on my cheek. He seemed to think that was pretty cool.

In other exciting news, I still have a job. I saw on the news that 65,000 people have lost their jobs and that is so scary. I'm very thankful to be paid to do a job that I like with people I enjoy. I'm telling you, this living ain't cheap. I got a new license plate and car tags on Monday and it was ridiculous how much it cost.

So, I haven't wanted to go to church lately. I haven't been in probably three weeks. As part of my step two work, I was asked two questions: How do I define my Higher Power? What do I want my Higher Power to be and to do in my life? Those questions are monumental for me. That means I get to have a Higher Power that works for me. Not something I've been told about my entire life. Not something forced on me. Not something I forced on myself out of fear. A Higher Power that works for me. I love that. And then, once I answer those two questions, I proceed to act as if my Higher Power is going to do and be those things in my life. It feels almost sacreligious to do this, but so freeing as well. Because technically I still want the same things and my beliefs haven't changed that much, but I get to be part of something bigger than me and have a real connection with the God of my understanding and experience.

That's all for this evening. Blessings.