leaving

Tonight I went to an OA meeting. One other woman and I met in the Exodus classroom of a church and studied the Big Book together. Meetings are really strange if you stop to think about them. Meetings are usually held in dingy little church rooms that are covered in yellow carpet, which clashes wonderfully with the greenish chairs. So, I sit in these obscure church rooms with strangers, who after one meeting, are no longer strangers and we share our experience, strength, and hope about recovery from food addiction. The whole concept is really strange and somehow, it just works. This program, when I actually work the program, really works for me. About a week ago, I was really frustrated because it felt like nothing was changing. I realized that I was expecting change after going to one meeting a week and calling my sponsor every now and again. I really had to up my part in the process. I’m now praying and meditating in the morning, calling other OA members, writing out a food plan each evening for the following day, reading, writing, and talking with my sponsor daily. It’s really quite a lot of work and time, but the sanity I’m receiving is quite amazing. I can actually tell sometimes now when I’m hungry and not hungry. I can think about other things besides food. I’m exercising more because it feels good. I’m being more honest. I’m more in tune with my emotions. And, I’m getting to figure out who I want God to be and what I want Him to do in my life. I’m trying to erase all the negative notions I’ve grown up with about God, all the food rules, the no dancing, the condemnation, the no jewelry, etc. and bask in the love and care of my Higher Power. And the cool thing is I’m daily trying to turn my life over to His will. I told Him yesterday that I was taking things back into my own hands and was going to handle the situation, which of course did not go all that well. But, at least I was aware of stepping back into the control seat. I’ve never really been able to see that before. So, this evening I’m grateful to be working the OA program. It really is a lot of work. And I’m finding that it really is worth it.
What else am I grateful for tonight? I’m grateful for a warm home. It is freezing outside and I am thankful to have heat and a soft bed with lots of blankets. I’m thankful for healthy food to eat. I’m thankful for a safe place to go exercise. I’m thankful for my job and payday this evening at midnight. I’m thankful for photographs, memories of good times. I’m thankful that people like my homemade applesauce. I’m thankful for the ability to laugh at my job. I’m thankful for Matt and Kendra’s healthy baby girl. She’s really fun. I’m thankful for hope.