Adult life

Well, well, well. It has been some time since my last post. I have thought about writing and then fallen promptly asleep. I've been acting as an adult these last several months and I'm getting plum tired out. There is very good news though. Connor had his one month post-radiation MRI and it came back clean! I get to see the little guy tomorrow and he will just be a little boy. He'll have an MRI every three months for a while. Also, my father has started taking an anti-depressant and I very much hope that this will help him. Plus, I finally figured out that my father's happiness is not my responsibility. I can let him be where he is during this time and not have to fix it for him. Lastly, Warren and Jackie are changing their will and asked if Jared and I would take Mike and Ryan should anything happen to them. Of course, we will and I wouldn't want the boys to go anywhere else. I was so honored that I would be the woman for the job if need be, amazed that I am considered a stable adult, thrilled at how far I've come in life, and blown away that I am having such conversations at all.

In other news, Scout continues to limp. She was limping for awhile and we took her to the vet who couldn't find anything wrong. We let her rest, gave her a muscle relaxer, and hoped she would get better. Alas, she continues to limp at times and we're worried about her little leg. The vet said that she would have to put Scout to sleep and take x-rays if Scout continued limping. Thankfully, Scout doesn't seem to be in any pain and just runs around on either 3 or 4 legs depending on how it feels. Also, the trauma group is wearing me out. I'm still trying to figure out how to manage my case load in four days instead of five and how to have enough emotional energy for everything. I think the biggest difficulty for me is the pressure from myself. These groups are considered very important to the treatment process and we will extend someone's length of stay simply to have her or him participate in one of the groups. (There is a women's trauma group, a men's trauma group, and a grief group.) Plus, I feel like the work is really important to healing and movement. And that's a lot of pressure. I have woken up in the night thinking about who is making progress and who is stagnant. Who have I overlooked and who is not being challenged? So, I think the expectation for the group from myself, the treatment center, and the patients is pretty high. When I think about my own process, it was and is such a process and could never be melted down into three sessions. So, I try to remember that it's a start for most of these women. It's a start in talking about trauma, in identifying with others, in not feeling alone, in choosing new roles, in finding a voice.

My voice tonight says that I'm tired. We were supposed to be in Gatlinburg this weekend with Brad's family and unfortunatly, Jared is sick. I'm am very disappointed to not be with them enjoying the mountains. However, I really need to be home this weekend and rest. I need rest.