Well, hello again.

When I was little, I remember loving the grown up stuff. I wanted to practice writing checks. I wanted to carry a purse (even though I didn't have a darn thing to put in it!). I wanted to shave my legs. I wanted to curl my hair. I wanted to talk on the phone. I wanted to have a job. Tonight, I wish I could tell that little girl to slow down and enjoy childhood. Not be in such a rush to grow up. Because there are days when the pains of growing up and getting older are just devastatingly difficult. Now I write checks to pay off bills. I get sick of keeping up with a purse and shaving my legs and curling my hair. I'd love just a few days of childhood-in-the-moment-bliss. Sometimes I feel like I should get a gold star for showing up to work every day on time and working my ass off for the patients. I know I get a paycheck, but I want a gold star or a smiley face or a "good job, ali!"I want to not be hurting again. I want to not have hurt someone that I love. I want to not have to make hard decisions and have difficult conversations. I want it to be different. I also want to not wish away the now. Here I sit longing for childhood and longing for a future of marriage and children and answers. I remember last May at the beach...I was sitting there on my beach towel watching the teenage girls fruit around and giggle. I mourned for the tight skin I used to have at that age and the perfect body (although I was anorexic so perhaps I'm mourning for what never was?). And next to me was my mother. She looked at me in my swimsuit and mentioned how good my skin looks to her. I watched her mourn for the 25 year-old body she used to have. Hmmmm.