Mercies

I’m sitting in the Chicago airport. Airports are the strangest places. Groups of random people trying to avoid each other while running smack into each other. Airports make me feel sad. Airports feel lonely to me. I cannot imagine working in an airport. Don’t get me wrong, I love traveling. Love it. I love arriving, exploring the destination, being glad to be home after the journey. But, airports often make me want to cry for some reason. I hate watching people say goodbye. I love watching them say hello and rejoice in being reunited. I hate sitting next to strangers while they talk on the phone and I try to pretend that I can’t hear their personal conversations blaring in my right ear. I hate eating alone when we’re all eating alone. I often make friends in the airport though. I usually make friends during long layovers or unexpected delays. I once made a friend during a long delay and we played uno for hours. I don’t remember his name. Not sure I ever knew it actually. I made a group of friends during another long delay. We sat in a circle and complained and talked and watched each other’s belongings while we took turns getting food and taking potty breaks. I think airports just feel foreign and lonely and like a holding point until I can get to my destination. I wonder if that’s a metaphor for my life. Being frustrated with the holding point because I’m so worried about getting to my destination. Interesting.

I’m really thrilled with this trip though. I have been looking forward to this break for weeks. I can’t wait to wrap my little nephews in my arms and just tickle them to death. As much as I wanted a break, I was a bit sad to leave my job today. I’m so thankful for that. I really do like my job. That’s a wonderful thing during an otherwise hard time. Food feels hard right now. I’m working on faith and trust and patience. I’m often busy, yet lonely. I’m working on step 2 and it’s tough, but good.

I do like the people watching in airports though. I like looking at people’s clothing and mannerisms and the way they walk. I like watching people interact with each other. I remember being totally overwhelmed in airports when I first left treatment and when I went on passes home. I had been so sheltered and around so few people for months and then wham! There were people everywhere and food and drinks and freedom. I feel like I reintegrated into society at the airport. Maybe that’s where some of the sadness comes from too. Bittersweet memories of treatment.

Well, I wrote those words over a week ago. I am now sitting in my kitchen nook watching the snow fall all over Birmingham. Snow is beautiful and I didn't expect the snow to follow me from Salt Lake City to Birmingham. My vacation was beyond wonderful. I feel lighter, refreshed. I watched God answer prayers and be faithful to my needs and surrounding of my fears and insecurities.

I return to work tomorrow. I am not thrilled to leave my vacation, but I am glad to return to a job that I enjoy with people I have missed. I am ever grateful today to sit in an apartment that I am able to pay for, ride in a car that works faithfully, eat healthy (or unhealthy!) foods bought at the grocery store, sleep in a warm, comfortable bed, talk to and enjoy fun people, worship freely in the church of my choosing, have a career that I enjoy freely as a woman, live in a country where mail is delivered on time, hospitals run efficiently, and I feel safe as long as I am careful. I am grateful for OA. I am grateful for my family. I am grateful that I was missed while I was gone. I am grateful that I earned a week of paid vacation. I am grateful for time with Brigid. I am grateful for pictures to recall the memories. I am grateful for cups of hot tea on cold wintery mornings. I am grateful that His mercies are new each morning. I am grateful.