Balance

Jared and I just returned home from a week in Birmingham. We stayed with Grandma and Pop and had a real vacation. The only food I made was a pan of banana pudding. Other than that, food was provided for me. I didn't do any dishes either as they mainly use paper products. I would throw some laundry in and return to find that it had been dried and folded for me. I didn't deal with any mail (medical bills are coming in) and Jared didn't have any grass to cut. Scout just bummed around the house and picked up any crumbs that were dropped either by accident or on purpose. There was always someone to hold Hunter to give me a break. I read an entire book and watched lots of TV with Pop on rainy days. Jared and I saw several friends and enjoyed time with his family. Hunter started taking breast milk from a bottle and Grandma got him to take a pacifier. 

Hunter does well going to sleep at night and then will return to sleep after his 11pm and 2am feedings. However, he doesn't want to sleep by himself after the 5am feeding. He is still sleepy, but wants company. He wants to be held and cuddled and then he'll sleep for another 2-3 hours. Every morning Jared or I would hand him off to Grandma or Pop and then go to sleep for another 3 hours. The first morning, I handed off Hunter at 6am and slept until 10am. Four hours of uninterrupted sleep was the longest I'd had since Hunter's birth. Those extra hours plus naps meant that I started to feel alive again. 

Jared gave Hunter his bottle at 12pm last night so I slept from 9:30pm-3am. It was still an early morning, but at least I'd had some hours to help me get started. 

Hunter is napping right now. It's one of the first times since his birth that I've been either home or awake during his long daytime nap. I've been tornadoing through the house making soup, bread, having lunch, doing laundry, dishes, writing thank you notes, taking out the trash, going through mail, and doing bills. It's the harsh reality of returning home from vacation that the chores are still waiting and the bills still need to be paid. 

I felt my confidence drop a bit as we returned home. I think it's just still overwhelming to have a child. Parenting a helpless infant is often a guessing game based on intuition, hard work, commitment, and love. I think it's often lonely too. Hunter is adorable (see above), but he doesn't talk or interact all that much yet. His cries tell me what he needs me to know, but I'm not always great at interpreting his cues. I liked being at Grandma and Pop's because there are always people around. I'm not great at being in my own house for long periods of time. I also liked being at Grandma and Pop's because my mind slowed down. I didn't have anything to tornado. There wasn't a to-do list in my head. There wasn't any list at all. 

My wish today is to find balance. Balance in getting out and about and resting at home. Balance in getting chores done and simply being with my baby. Balance in exercising and enjoying good food and allowing my body to find its way back to itself. Balance in spending time with friends, Jared, Hunter, family, and Scout. Balance in seeking a schedule and allowing for flexibility. Balance in allowing my mind to be fast and to be slow. Balance in planning and being right where I am right now.