so many days

I've felt stuck over the last few days. I took call all weekend followed by Tuesday and Wednesday nights. This left me feeling terribly grumpy and tired. I haven't had the energy to write or the words to say. Thankfully, some prompting from a friend (see comment on previous post) inspired me to open up the laptop and just start typing. 

Amy came to visit. We went to the Grand Ole Opry on Friday and heard the Band Perry. Love them! I always enjoy the Grand Ole Opry even if the pictures afterwards are iPhone terrible. Proof that we were there and proof that Amy and I actually hang out together. We have about 10 pictures together from a decade long friendship. I always have big plans to remedy this and then end up with nothing or a darkened iPhone picture full of shadows. Oh well. 

Amy left town on Sunday evening with only two injuries. She left with bloody soon-to-be major blisters on her hands from waterskiing and a major bruise on her left arm from shooting my bow and getting struck by the string. Injuries happen when hanging with the Downs/Wilson crew. We are into adventure and I've always got bruises to prove it. 

Yesterday Jared and I celebrated our third anniversary. Our first anniversary was spent with his family eating leftover wedding cake. Our second anniversary was spent at the hospital. I remember sharing a turkey sandwich from Panera in the waiting room of the burn unit at Vanderbilt. It was quite a mediocre sandwich, but we touched sandwiches together in a cheers fashion and I was grateful to be together. Our third anniversary was spent with me answering calls from the hospital. We certainly haven't always been able to celebrate in the "normal" fashion of trips or fancy dinners, but we are together. We are united as a couple and that makes it all okay. We love gifts, but we can't keep any gift a secret and we hardly ever give each other anything on a typical anniversary or Valentine's Day. It's just not our style. 

And to today, July 18, the big one year anniversary of Dad's death. I worked today and felt okay. Honestly, today has been easier than the days leading up to it. I felt that I was tumbling towards this day without consent only to arrive upon it with a sense of being settled. It is hard to acknowledge that I made it a year without Dad. It feels wrong somehow, like we shouldn't have been able to go on. Yet, we did. The world kept turning and our lives kept going. Our family has changed. I always think of a family like a mobile over a baby's bed. You take away one of the ornaments and the entire mobile shifts and takes a while to resettle. Dad was my family's stabilizer. He helped everyone get along with his love, laughter, and ability to buffer. We've struggled without that on many occasions. 

I included the following picture of myself today at work because Dad would have thought it funny. I wore a beautiful white dress to work and brought lasagna for lunch. Recipe for perfect disaster. So, Sharron offered a large trash bag which I punched three holes in and ta-da, a huge bib! Full tummy and clean dress. 

I do feel okay today. I remain grateful for two things. One, I used up the time I had with Dad. We spent so much time together and played hard. Two, I knew Dad was dying. The manner of death was a surprise, but not the timing. 

I miss his laugh. I miss his love. I miss his wisdom.